Just keep wearing your wedding dress. You’ll feel like a princess, and it’s also the only way you’ll get your money’s worth.
Put on fake eyelashes every morning. Not only will it help with the aforementioned princess thing, but also the nervous terror you experience applying glue so near your eyeball will feel almost like wedding-day jitters.
Hire a paparazzo to take pictures of you all day, even though an entire life can be sufficiently documented in, like, four pictures. Five max.
Oh my god, is it going to rain? For every additional chance-of-precipitation percentage point on your weather app, spend another thousand dollars on a tent.
Have your mom, your mother-in-law, and a few of your closest female friends keep you company while you get dressed. Is this helpful? No! But you have to do it to experience true joy.
Ask a hundred people to be at a specific location at a specific time. For extra fun, invite them through an outdated medium that costs you money. Don’t worry, they’ll still text you to find out when to be there and where they’re supposed to go!
Meticulously plan a meal. Watch other people eat it while you walk around and talk to them. Consume no food yourself.
Have an eight-hour party. Does that seem like way too long for a party? It is.
You know your husband’s parents’ next-door neighbors? The Rothmans—Jeanie and Mark Rothman. No, you haven’t met them. Ask them to spend the day with you! You might think that the secret to what made your special day so special was the love of your new spouse, but that’s wrong. It was the vague acquaintanceship of the Rothmans.
Ask your dad to tell some unvetted jokes to an audience of everyone you know.
Introduce your college friends to your work friends. Marvel at how different they are. Is it possible that the only reason you’re friends with any of them is simply because they were there? Buy them all dinner because these relationships of convenience are what this day of love is all about.
Pay for your friend’s date’s dinner, too. Until today, you’d never laid eyes on him, and they’re going to break up in two months, but buying him an overpriced piece of chicken is crucial for your personal happiness.
Are people dancing? Not specific people. Just people in general. You’re not experiencing the euphoria of marriage unless you’re worrying about whether enough people on Earth are dancing.
Get really drunk, then go tip anyone who’s still hanging around. Everyone needs to be tipped in cash at the end of this eight-hour party.
Write a thank-you note to every person you saw today, even though you bought all your guests an expensive dinner and they got you two towels.