Whenever I think about the wedding guest List, in fact whenever I think about any ‘by invitation only’ guest list, I’m always reminded of the story of Sleeping Beauty, whose parents omitted to invite Maleficent the evil fairy to her christening, who in retaliation cursed the baby causing all manner of problems for the young girl and the Kingdom going forward. The story serves to remind me that when guest list are drawn one must ensure that those invited will attend with the best sentiments; familial repercussions must be borne in mind where family members are concerned. One never knows how far the ripples of discontent will go.
So the first item on the agenda is to draw up a list of key people who MUST be invited or else…It is at this stage that you will find a marked difference in cultures. In Nigeria an invitation to a wedding is not sent with an expectation that the recipient will actually attend. It’s more of an announcement to friends and family that ‘Our child’ has crossed another marker of success - our son or daughter is getting married. In Nigeria the wedding of one’s child especially if it’s a girl is seen as another feather in the family cap and people (especially the mother), want everyone to know it. Therefore invitations are sent to friends and relations in every nook and cranny, most of whom have no intentions of attending but nevertheless expect to receive an invitation as a mark of respect and honour. If it is a ‘Society Wedding’ the invitation is placed somewhere it can be conspicuously seen by visitors and is the subject of conversation for weeks. Relatives in the village will show off the invitation with pride and keep it as a souvenir for years. Do not underestimate the power of a wedding invitation to set the tone and bring goodwill to your nuptials.
The key list of people who must receive an invitation to your wedding is different from the ‘Guest List’ don’t confuse the two. The guest list is the list of people who you believe will be in a position to actually attend your wedding and have given an indication that they are likely to do so.
A good way to help you decide whom to invite to your wedding is to send a wedding announcement /save the date by email or text at least 4-6 months in advance. Those people who reply or call with well wishes should definitely be on your final list of invitees.
Compiling the guest list for your wedding is said to be one of the most difficult challenges, in part because I think most couples are so carried away by the upcoming celebrations that they want to invite the whole world to witness their day; they forget the golden rule- The size of the wedding is solely dependent on the budget and venue. The first question you need to ask yourself is “how many people can we comfortably wine and dine within the amount we can afford to spend.” Once you’re able to come to terms with this reality check compiling your guest list will be much easier. If money however is no problem, the most important factor is “how many guests can the various venues comfortably seat?” Once you have these questions checked the rest is pretty much about social intelligence. Start from the centre, as in people who are in closest proximity to you and your lives. Close people first. When I say close, I mean people with whom you have a meaningful relationship. People you see all the time…you’re everyday friends and family. These are precisely the people who often get overlooked because they are familiar and always with you, but failing to invite a member of this group is the kind of omissions that leaves long-lasting damage. People often make the mistake of trying to fill their wedding with bold faced names and socialites whom they are barely acquainted with and before they know it all the invitations are finished! And you have a wedding full of empty seats because Socialites have a diary full of engagements and are notoriously unreliable.
How to Draw Up a Wedding Guest List
- 4-6 months - Send out a beautiful wedding announcement / save the date stipulating the month by email /text or card, all three preferably. This is a great way to let everybody know and it will help you gage potential invitees according to the level of interested expressed. At least people will not say ‘they did not hear’
- 3 months- Draw up the Guest List You will be clearer about who to invite from the responses you have received from your announcement.
- Close friends FIRST - Invite everyday friends and close family first. They have a shared history with you, they know you, they will come on time, they will stay longer and you will have shared memories with them as they continue to reminisce about your wedding with you, way after the ceremony is over many years later.
- Decide in advance how many invitations you are going to allocate to each set of parents and stick to it. Don’t be bullied or badgered into filling up your entire guests list with relations that you hardly come into contact with. However do be mindful of the fact that a wedding in Africa is very much about the marriage of two families and key relations really must be invited to bear witness, even though you may personally have little interaction with them. Note you will have no control over this set of invitations so leave it to the families to organize and concentrate on the part of the list that you do have full control. The only thing you may want to make sure of is that invitees don’t overlap.
- 1 month- Before you inscribe a guests name on an invitation, call them first and ask whether they will be able to attend. They may say yes, but take it at face value. “Yes” merely means “I have every intention of attending as we speak unless a better invitation comes up!” You will have to guage the likelihood or otherwise of their attendance by the tone of the conversation. A simple phone call can save a lot of unnecessary guess work and empty seats.
- Keep your wish list of names by your side and cross-off and tick as you go along.
- 3-weeks – Send out invitations
- 2-weeks – Call invitees to check that they have received their invitations. Remind them of the date time and venue.
- Finally, order extra invitations incase of mistakes made writing invitations or for last minute dot comers you forgot to invite initially (believe me this always happens)or to send to those relatives and friends you know definitely will not attend as souvenirs with a small memento to mark the occasion.
By Helen Prest Ajayi