We all know bridezilla - the evil, pushy, overbearing bride who wants everything about her wedding to be perfect even if she has to shed the blood of friends, family members, and vendors. Rumour has it, that most brides give off a little whiff of that evil magic now and then, but who ever heard of the groom going gaga over the floral arrangements?
Well, say hello to groomzilla. Formerly a species restricted only to the ladies in the wedding gowns, this variety of wedding evil is blessed with more testosterone than sense, and is popping up at the most embarrassing of moments.
Groomzilla #1: The Rage Monster - The appearance of this breed of groomzilla is often a shock to the wedding planning committee. He's the one who didn't get involved in the planning; the one who said he didn't care what it looked like; the one who said "all I want to do is get married", then turned around and tried to kill the florist because she used orchids instead of roses. This groomzilla flips out completely, and descends into an all out rage, ruining the photographs and everybody's vibe.
How to deal: First, step away from the volcano. When he's calmed down, try to see things from his point of view, and speak in calm, reassuring tones, saying things like "I understand", "This is your day", and "We're all here to make you happy". Then when he's preening like a peacock, and feeling justified, try to sell him your point of view.
Groomzilla #2: The Sulker - Closely related to The Rage Monster, the sulker pouts, growls, and frowns at everyone when things don't go his way. He's a much more passive aggressive groomzilla, and is just waiting for you to ask him "What's wrong?" Then you'll get a verbal flood of everything that everyone has done wrong, including you. The sulker works his evil magic by being a wet blanket, and depressing everyone.
How to deal: It's tempting to ignore the sulker, but don't. Indulge his need to be heard, and try to meet him halfway. If that's not possible, remind him that whatever is making him unhappy will be gone by the end of the day, and he'll have a brand new wife for his troubles.
Groomzilla #3: Mr. Ultimatum - The last thing anyone wants to hear when planning a wedding is "You better do it this way, or else?" Unfortunately, this groomzilla has no idea he's being an unreasonable bully. He actually thinks his demands are for the good of all. You could throw an ultimatum back at him, but that is more likely to backfire and degenerate into a horrible mess where no one wins.
How to deal: Have a conversation with him. Try to show him your side of things. If that doesn't work, enlist the help of an impartial authority figure to break it down for him.
Groomzilla #4:The Nitpicker - This Groomzilla is the most likely to drive you up the wall. Why? Because on the surface, he is being ever so helpful, but he is really an evil control freak bending and breaking everyone else's will and sadly, spirits. Some of you may ask "Isn't an over involved groom better than an absentee one?" Well, can you live with a groom that will check out upwards of 5 venues because he's looking for a place with the perfect ambience, the right size, and adequate parking space while still fitting into your budget? Or a groom that will want to vet the wedding dress for its cut, style, and embellishments? Or my personal favourite, the groom who will give specific instructions to the make up artiste on the look he is going for? If you can, congratulations - you are a saint.
How to deal: If, however, you are like most of the population, then take a deep breath, close your eyes and count to ten. You need to be extremely calm to deal with this groomzilla. When you speak to him, you need to be armed with cold, hard facts. Hit him hard with logic, and then hold your ground. Think Gandalf the Grey "You shall not pass!"
Groomzilla #5: The Big Baby - Let's face it, every groomzilla is really just a big baby acting out. However, this groomzilla is the biggest one of all. He's the one who has a meltdown about EVERYTHING. Unlike, the rage monster and sulker, he will be looking for sympathy and attention. As if somehow, the fact that the caterer didn't serve some of the guests was because of a personal grouse to sabotage his big day. He will moan to everyone who is willing to listen, and will want his hand held through the whole thing.
How to deal: Indulge him to a point. As harmless as this groomzilla may seem, he is a tremendous drain on mental and emotional energy. So pat his head, and send him on his way. To keep him from coming back, give him something positive to do - like harass the DJ. That can't hurt anyone, right?
At the end of the day, when vows have been made, and the party is over, Groomzillas often turn back into the sweet men they were before they caught wedding planning fever. So if you still find yourself not being able to deal, just close your eyes, picture the day after the wedding and keep saying to yourself, "It will soon be over. It will soon be over."