Dear Ms Sugar,
I have been with my fiancé for over 3 years now; we are very much in love and looking forward to getting married. However lately we've been having some disputes over where we would live as husband and wife. I currently live in the States, and I’m willing to move to Nigeria, I just always assumed we would live in Lagos as this where we both grew up. I have recently found out that he wants us to settle in Benin and live there for the rest of our lives. My dilemma is I do not know anyone in Benin, and quite frankly I have hated it each time I’ve gone there to visit him, so basically the thought of spending the rest of my life there makes me break out in hives. I have tried talking to him about this, but he seems adamant about living in Benin.
I'm at my wits end... pls help!!!
Many Thanks
A.
Dear A,
Relationships very often require sacrifice. It is an expression of love and it builds trust and happiness when right. Your willingness to move to Nigeria shows that you are ready to sacrifice; it's just that moving to Benin is more than you bargained for. Moving to a different city or country can be life-changing; and moving to a place you don’t like, where you don’t know anyone is even more difficult. It’s very important that you both sort it out before getting married because this issue can affect marital harmony.
Ask yourself; is this a sacrifice I can make? Consider these factors to help you decide:
1. Why does he want to settle in Benin?
What are his reasons for being adamant about Benin? Is it his job? If he’s making good money in Benin, he won’t want to up and move to Lagos. Is it the cost of living? Housing in Benin is much than the Lagos so you’ll be able to save more as a family and afford more comforts. Perhaps he feels it’s a better place to raise kids. Is it family, friends? Does he just love the city? Have a talk with him, stay calm, listen to him and keep an open mind. Try to see it from his point of view and then you also say why you want to live in Lagos. You might find that Benin makes more sense for you two than Lagos. If it doesn’t, he’ll be more welcoming of your points after you’ve listened to his.
2. Would he do the same for me?
Sacrifice in a successful relationship comes from both sides, but usually not at the same time. You know him. If the shoe were on the other foot, would he be willing to sacrifice for you? Has he been willing to sacrifice for you in the past, or expressed his willingness to sacrifice in the future? Does he appreciate your sacrifice in moving back to Nigeria or does he see it as his due? If he expects you to always make all the sacrifices, you will continue to do so until you become resentful and unhappy. Think again.
3. Can I change my mind about Benin?
You mention that you two are very much in love and looking forward to getting married. If after talking calmly (not fighting) and letting him know how you feel, Benin is still where he wants to be, can you find a way to do this for your relationship? Get to know more about the city. If you are determined to hate a place, you will find lots to hate about it. Every place in the world has flaws (Let’s not get started on Lagos). But if you are open to a new city, you might fall in love with it. Benin has a rich cultural heritage, cheap and spacious housing, affordable food and a bubbling nightlife. Ask your family and friends if they know anyone in Benin. If you’re active on social media, you might find that one of your faves lives in Benin. Reach out. You will also get to know people when you live in a place for a while, if you’re open.
Plan another visit with a different mindset. Be open to the place, the food, the people. Look into job opportunities for you. Or if you prefer, can you set up a home business or work as a freelancer? Can you try your hand at gardening? There’s space for it. Can you both agree you’ll fly out to Lagos for a weekend if you miss family?
Since you love him and are in a committed relationship, you can’t give up without a try. If after trying, you realise that you still can’t see yourself making a happy life in Benin, you might have to reconsider marrying him.
Wish you all the best!
Ms Sugar
Photo: wikipedia